Who I Really Am
by Eliyora1
Summary: (Female Douchebag) We've always been on the run from something. I didn't know what until recently. My parents have always tried to hide me, even made me pretend to be a boy. I don't like it, but I love them. Now though, it's getting harder to pretend. See, there's this boy I've met...
1. Prologue

Who I Really Am - A Buttlord Story

By: Eliyora

Main characters: Buttlord (in this case named Emma Star), Kenny, Craig, Tweek, Butters, Kyle, Wendy, Cartman, Stan

Summary:Because of a lifetime on the run from the government, my family has always had to hide who she is, what she is. They even went so far as to make me pretend to be a boy. But no one, no matter how old, can pretend to be something they aren't for long... especially when feelings come into play. 

Prologue

How long has it been? 4 years? 5? I can't even remember. It's been so long since I've been able to be me that I've started to forget who "me" is.

Mom and Dad avoid calling me by my name all the time. It's always "kiddo" or "champ" or something like it. The kids in the neighborhood we live in now don't even know what my name is. How could they? No one's ever told it to them. The teachers at school all call me "New Kid" all the time like they don't know my name either.

Dad probably told them not to. He's done it before.

Mom and Dad have me wear super neutral clothes. Just plain t shirts and jeans. They also have me put my hair up all the time so that no one knows what I really am. All of the kids, except one, think I'm a boy because of it.

They mean well. I know they do. Ever since me and my new friends played superheroes, I know that they do these things to protect me from whoever is looking for us. Even when I didn't know why they made me pretend, I still did because I knew there was some reason they did. Mom and Dad, they love me. I know they love me. Back before I fixed everything, they would stop fighting whenever they saw me. They love me so much that they didn't want to upset me, no matter how much it hurt them. Everything they've ever done has been for the sake of protecting me.

That's why I never talk.

They try so hard, always, every moment, all for me. If anyone were to hear my voice, they would know. I sound nothing like a boy. I don't talk so I don't give it away. Or, at least I didn't.

Not before I met... him.

I never trusted anyone because my parents were afraid of everyone. I suspected people all the time because I didn't know who I was supposed to be afraid of. Even when I started playing with the kids of this town, I didn't trust them at all. I just did it because I was bored and Dad told me to make friends.

There was one kid in the group who was really weird. He acted way different than everyone else, like he had no care what others thought of him and was going to do what he wanted. It was amazing to see. Shameless, unapologetic, determined, not afraid to play dirty if he needs to...

I was just amazed, even if at the end of our first game he decided to betray everyone and became our final boss. Here was someone who pretended to be what he wasn't, and yet somehow was far more free than I had ever been.

Then we all played superheroes. He was in the opposing team, so I didn't get to see him as much. In fact, the first time I did, we had to fight. Even so, he kept warning me. He kept telling me how Cartman was only looking out for himself. What's more, he said I should come to Freedom Pals.

As my enemy, he looked out for me, and for no reason other than it was right.

When I was sent to be a mole in Freedom Pals, he was stoic, suspicious, but mentioned that he had an urge to protect me. He even said I was "alright" after I helped Tweek and Craig. He became a staunch ally and fought alongside me many times. He even confided in me that, much like me, he has actual powers. His are not just pretend, but very real, and he suffers for them constantly. It hurt to hear because I understood. I knew what it was like to have real powers, and for them to be a source of constant pain. I very nearly betrayed Coon and Friends, just for him. I wanted to stay on whatever team he was on.

That was when I knew. It had only been a short while, but that was when I figured it out, and that's why my whole world has become a lot more complicated.

My name is Emma Star, and I am in love with my friend, Kenny McCormick.

The only problem is, he has no idea who I actually am.


	2. Games

Who I Really Am - A Buttlord Story

By: Eliyora

A/N: I'm gonna be honest. I'm only really writing this story to see where it goes. I don't have much of a final destination set in stone, just a general idea. Anyone who would like to go on this journey with me, stick around and don't be afraid to throw ideas my way.

Chapter One - "Games"

Everyone's stopped playing superheroes. Everyone's given up on the franchise plans because of fucking Cartman. Timmy worked so hard to make everything perfect and fair for everyone, had even included me when I was brand new and probably didn't matter in the grand scheme of it all, and Cartman had to spitefully ruin it all. No one felt right asking Timmy to do it again when he had poured hours and hours into it to begin with, so we let it all go.

I know _he_ still goes out at night though. I know because he's always tired during class. I wish I could join him, help him out so he didn't have to fight alone. I tried to once, but he insisted I didn't. Said I had done way more than my fair share, and that I didn't want to see the sorts of things he does when solo.

I couldn't argue, couldn't even protest in my self-imposed silence, so I did what I always do and simply complied. It wasn't the first time it hurt to comply, but it sure as fuck was the one that hurt the most. All I could do was watch in silence as he continued his quiet, lonely fight on the streets of South Park.

"Hey Buttlord!"

Stan's familiar voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up as he, Kyle, Butters, Craig, Tweek, Jimmy, and (oh my god) Kenny all joined me at the table. As was my typical, I just gave them all blank looks as they sat down and began eating. Years of practice had perfected my poker face, even kept me from blushing in Kenny's presence, fortunately.

As I idly poked at my lunch, the guys started chatting about something to do with Cartman and his girlfriend. I wasn't really listening. I rarely do anymore. It's just dull, boring shit that I know I'm not gonna be involved in. I only seem to be involved when someone needs something from me. Craig kept giving me weird looks, though. He's been doing that since we played superheroes. It's like he's trying to figure something out about me.

It's kinda making me nervous. Craig's smart. Like, really smart. Not only that, but he's far less subject to bullshit than most of our town. Plus, he noted once that he isn't attracted to me. I couldn't underestimate how significant that was. Craig never says anything without reason. The fact that he verbally noted that he wasn't attracted to me meant that he was suspicious that something wasn't right. All I could hope was that he decided he didn't give enough fucks to bother. If he decided he did, I was screwed.

Tweek looked over at his boyfriend and raised an eyebrow at how much he was looking at me. Unlike Craig, Tweek would never figure me out if for no other reason than he would go into those weird, paranoid tangents of his long before it occurred to him. However, that left me to wonder if it would cause another problem. I don't want Tweek to think that Craig's interested in me. I went to a lot of trouble to help them fix things. I refuse to be the cause of friction between them.

"Well? What about you, Buttlord?" came a sudden question from Kyle next to me.

I blinked and looked at him, raising an eyebrow. Since I hadn't been listening, I had no clue what he was asking me about. I think he got the message, because he then said, "We're all gonna play Monster Hunters after school. We'll pick classes again and choose our weapons and all that sorta stuff. You wanna play with us? You're really good at these games."

I was surprised. I thought that Cartman always ran these games, but then maybe everyone else is as pissed at him as I am about the last one. These games had been fun, if weird, the last couple times, so I nod my head. Hell, maybe this time I'll actually be able to have name NOT revolving around shitty insults.

Fucking Cartman...

"Awesome! We're all meeting at Token's house, so get there soon as you can. We'll tell you the rules and give you some starter stuff," Kyle continued. I gradually tuned him out as my gaze wandered over the rest of the boys at the table. Most of them looked super excited about their new game, remarking how awesome it would be to finally play without "that fucking fatass," and I just keep eating my lunch.

So. A new role-playing game. Given the track record, shit will get weird and very real, very fast. Seriously... Alien probing, gnomes that steal underwear, fucking Nazi zombies (that one I was _still_ trying to wrap my brain around), hand puppets running for mayor, snorting **cat piss** to get high?! This is a super fucked up town. No wonder my family is safe here. Enough weird shit goes on here to cover up any oddity coming from us.

I glanced up as I took another bite of my soggy chicken nuggets, and it took every ounce of my willpower to not choke on my food. Kenny was looking at me. Like, staring directly at me. Oh my fucking gods what the fuck?! I looked around to make sure there wasn't something behind me, then back at him curiously. Kenny just gave me a grin and a thumbs up, then went back to eating.

What?

WHAT?!

I got up from the table and went towards the bathroom. One lucky thing about the town was the fucked way they had those arranged so cis gender people have only one bathroom, so I could go in without announcing my gender. Once inside though, I looked around to make sure I was the only one in there. Once I was sure I was, I did something that I never did.

I squeed. Loudly.

I squeed and actually let myself speak out loud for a brief moment.

"Oh my gosh he fucking looked at me and smiled at me! EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Holy fucking balls I can't believe it! Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! Does he think I'm cute or something? Aaaaaaahhhh! Kenny, do you think I'm cute?! What the fuck?"

"Yeah... What the fuck sounds about right..."

I froze dead when I heard a voice from behind me. I turned around in horror. I had been so busy losing my mind that I hadn't heard the door open, and now Craig was staring at me in shock. He'd heard me. He'd heard my voice. Oh no...

"Well... This explains why I'm not attracted to you," he remarked.

Fuck...

To be continued


	3. Secrets

Who I Really Am - A Buttlord Story

By: Eliyora

Chapter Two - "Secrets"

I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. I could only stare helplessly as Craig closed and locked the bathroom door. No no no nonononononono! Dad's going to kill me! He was mad enough when I told Mackey! There's no way he'll be okay with some kid knowing the truth! I'm dead, I'm so fucking dead!

"So... Girl, huh?" Craig said simply. I could only nod my head. Craig shook his. "What are you, trans or something? Why are you in the cis bathroom then?"

I blinked. Me, trans? The idea was so ridiculous and unexpected that I burst out laughing in my stress. I'm sure I must have looked totally insane, but he didn't even blink. He just waited patiently for my laughing to subside, after which I just kinda stared at him in stupefication. He sighed.

"I'll take that as you're not trans. Why the whole boy act then?" he asked calmly. Nothing phases that boy, I swear.

"Because I have to," I say simply.

What am I doing? Why did I answer? I didn't even answer Wendy that time.

"You have to?" Craig asked.

"Why the hell do you even care? I thought you didn't care about jack shit besides your guinea pig and your boyfriend!" I burst out. I immediately regretted it when anger flashed across his face.

"I just came across the kid who helped me fix things with Tweek, find out that he's really a she, and from the sound of it crushing super fucking hard on McCormick, and you're asking me why the hell I care?" He stared at me like I was a fucking moron, which I admit, I was at that moment.

At my continued silence, he folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Don't start with that quiet routine bullshit. You've already said way too much for that fly. What the fuck are you talking about, you have to?"

I frowned in frustration, and I swear I did not stop to think of the next words that came out of my mouth. "Even if you do care, why the fuck is it your business? Maybe I just have shit going on! Maybe I have things I can't talk about! Maybe I just feel like I can't trust anyone! Maybe I need to hide shit, huh? I mean, you guys all fucking thought I was a boy and I never corrected you. You think there might be a reason for that, dipshit?! Nooooooo, of course not! Mr. Brawns didn't think of shit, that's not how he does, is it?!"

The next thing I knew, my back was being slammed against the wall and Craig was holding me by the collar of my shirt. Fuck! I went too far and got him pissed!

"W-Wait! Don't you think it'll make you look bad if you punch a girl?" I stumbled desperately.

"No one else knows you're a girl, and even if they did no one will give a shit if the gay boy hits a fucking girl, bitch!" he growled. There was actual anger in his voice. Words could not describe how fucked I was.

Then, suddenly, he dropped me. Just plop, right on my ass. I couldn't help looking up at him in confusion. He was clearly still pissed, but he was clenching his fists at his sides.

"...Tweek would ask how my fists got fucked up. He always notices that sort of thing," he muttered almost to himself. Taking a deep breath, he turned to look at me. His hand lifted in his favorite gesture, I think on reflex since he flips people off so much. "The only way I buy that you _have_ to keep this shit secret is if either your parents are making you, or you're being hunted by some weird fuckers. Otherwise, you're fucking full of it."

"...both," I murmured.

He paused. "Say what?"

"I said BOTH!" I yelled. "My dad is _making_ me act like I'm a boy so we can hide better! There's some bad people after us! I don't know the whole story because this has been going on since I was a baby, but we've been on the run for my whole life. Dad figured we could hide better if we were a family with just one _son_ instead of one _daughter._ " He kept staring at me, so I shoved my hands in my pockets. "I don't know, my dad's a dumbass!"

Craig's face was completely blank, like he was attempting to make sense of everything that had just come out of my mouth. After a few minutes, he just kinda shook his head in disbelief.

"Only in fucking South Park..." he muttered. I had no idea what he meant by that, but he then turned to look at me. "So, when we were playing Stick of Truth and those government assholes showed up, it was because of you?"

"I think so..." I admitted. "It may or may not have also had to do with the alien spaceship I accidentally crashed into the mall..."

His jaw dropped. "That was YOU?!"

"...kinda yeah," I squeaked.

"South Park... Fucking South Park..." he mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Um... hey, um, Craig? Can you like, not tell anyone please? Not even Tweek?" I asked. He raised his eyebrow at me. "Like I said, my dad insists I pretend I'm a boy, and there's people after us. The fewer people who know, the better."

His brow furrowed. "You want me to hide something from Tweek?" he demanded.

"YES!" I pleaded. "Craig please! You can't tell anyone! Not Tweek! Not Clyde! Not Kenny! No one! You're not even supposed to know! You only know beca... Wait a minute. Did you need to piss or did you follow me?" I demanded.

He seemed to stop dead. "Um... I uh... Both..." he murmured.

"You fucking FOLLOWED me?! PERVERT! WEIRDO! STALKER!" I kept on screaming at him. I know I sounded like a moron, but I didn't care. I was way too freaked out by then.

"SHUT UP! If you want it to be secret, you're doing a lousy fucking job of keeping your fucking trap shut!" he yelled over my voice. I covered my mouth to stop my own hysterical screeching, and he sighed deeply. "It was bugging me, okay? I could tell there was something way off about you, something I couldn't put my finger on. You took off for the bathroom, and it occurred to me that I could come after you since I needed to piss too. I'm not some pervert stalker or anything weird like that. Fuck's sake, YOU helped me get back together with my boyfriend! I just wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with YOU! Guess I know now, huh?"

He folded his arms again and just kept glaring at me. I took several deep breaths to calm myself down. Eventually, I said, "Look, I can't really explain it right now. How about after school or something, I explain it to you? Hell, I'll come to your house and show you."

Craig's face turned pale. "HEY! NO WAY! I'm not into girls!"

"ACK! NOT LIKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE!" I yelled right back. "I meant I'll show you why there's people who've been after my family!"

He hesitated, then finally nodded. "Fine, whatever. Guess it's too late to say no," he conceded.

"Fine, after school then, before we all go do that monster hunting game that Kyle was talking about," I said.

"Great. Now could you get outta here? I still need to piss and it's... weird with a girl in here."

"Oh right!" I hurried towards the door, unlocked it, and fucked right on out of that bathroom, making sure to put my bland face back on before I returned to the cafeteria.

To Be Continued


End file.
